Intimacy

"Intimate refers generally to the innermost nature or fundamental character of something. Intimacy refers to a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other." (wikipedia) This is what my Saviour is calling me into.... intimacy with Him. I laid awake for over an hour last night with this one word piercing my mind, heart and soul. I have been serving Him since I was 13 years old. At times with my whole being and at times barely getting by. The truth is that during the 'barely-getting-by time', I wasn't really doing any good to Him or myself. Now, I am about to get real honest here. I hesitate, but know that I have to in order to turn the corner, so to speak.

I am not a "grace" person by nature. Grace is hard for me to accept. I tend to be hard on myself and harder on others. Perfection is my enemy. I need to have it 'all together' in my mind to begin a task. No matter what that task may be, I struggle with it. I don't risk things because I am not a risk taker. Perfectionists often aren't. So, with Christianity being about God's unconditional love and His grace, you can imagine (and maybe experience) how that is hard on my relationship (since perfection is not attainable during this life-time!).

I don't know about you, but our lives are hectic and BUSY around this household. It is really easy for Jeff and I to become disconnected. I often tell him that during these times, I feel like we are just roommates and that we manage to survive because we truly are best friends. We work well together. While this is a good thing, it can also become our greatest enemy. By that, I mean, that we get into this groove of life happening and tend to forget to stop and just connect on a level other than "business as usual". Does anyone reading this understand?? I get so frustrated and want the merry-go-round of life to just stop and let me off. I need connection with my husband. If I need that connection with my husband, how much more do I need it with my Saviour, Friend, Lord... my very reason for living?

At the times that Jeff and I get to this CRAZY point in life (work, baseball, church, friends, bills, housework, etc. ), I often will find myself saying that I don't just want to love him, I want to be in love again. Not that I have fallen out of love with him, its just that I long for those first days of love. You know what I am talking about. The times when just hearing his voice brings flutters to your stomach. The excitement you feel when his car drives into the driveway at the end of the day. That is when we have to STOP and regroup. We have to slow down 'life' and reconnect.

When God created Adam, He did it for companionship. He wanted to have a relationship with him. Truth be told, He doesn't need us. He CHOSE us. Each of us. He just wants a relationship with us. How would I feel if my children never wanted to spend time with me? If all they wanted was food, and clothes, and toys. It would crush me. Some of my favorite times are when they crawl up in my lap and just want to be with me. Or when they are playing and see me and stop long enough to just hug, kiss or smile at me. THAT makes my day. Yet, I do that to God all the time. I let life happen so much to me, that I just check in every now and then. I have to go deeper again. I used to be there, but I allowed the cares of this world to infiltrate my life to the point that I have lost some realtionship with Him. The only way to have knowlege of or experience the other person in a relationship is to spend time with them. I am ready to go there, Lord.

That is where I am finding myself these days. Wanting... longing... needing.... desperately needing and longing and wanting to fall in love with my God again. So much baggage has begun to accumulate, that I just want to simplify, stop and just fall at His feet and get reacquainted, if you will. He is calling me. He is wooing me. He is waiting for me to show up. I am ready!!! I am so ready that at times it is overwhelming. I truly feel that this summer will be a time of new beginnings for me (and my family), but mostly for me to return to my First Love. My spirit is bubbling and I am excited to see who I am in Him when I emerge on the other side of this journey He is calling me to begin.....

We're back!!

I know I was supposed to post from the beach, but we did not have a good connection. We ended up coming home early because 3 out of 4 of us were sick! Bella, Jake and I went to the doctor today and loaded up on medicine. Hopefully we will be better soon and my voice will come back, too!

We had fun, but it was different this year than others. You see, we are going to Guatemala with AAB in 3 weeks and that seems to be all any of us can think about. Nothing else seems to be able to pale in comparison with it. Everything else seems trivial. I feel a passion welling up inside that cannot be put into words. Am I nervous? YEP! I don't like flying and I am nervous about being in Guatemala with it not being for our adoption. Am I excited? BEYOND Excited! I KNOW we are supposed to be there at this exact time! I will share more about this later, but canNOT wait to see what God has in store! Bella needed a passport and I let mine expire (remember, I had no intentions of ever going back, so why did I need a passport?!;)) It usually takes 2-3 weeks for an expedited one (which we did for both) and ours took 1 week! God has given me so many confirmations about us going-- it truly is amazing. AND all of our original adoption documents we had to send along with her application, came back, too. We were a bit nervous about it.

I will post pictures of out trip to Florida this weekend. Isabella had a great time swimming. She actually used her arm floaties and jumped in without any help. She was swimming around the pool like a little fish. Jake had a great time and didn't want to leave early. He went fishing with his daddy and caught a fish!

The most exciting thing, though, is I am officially off of school for the summer and get to spend it with my amazing children and THAT, my friends, makes me so happy!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah for summer vacation!!!!!!!!!

Has it really been that long...

Has it? I should have known better than to actually think I would be a dedicated blogger during the start of baseball season and ending of a school year! My intentions were good, but I failed miserably with my actions. I hope I still have readers. I must say... I don't think I would even be checking this blog because of the infrequency of its author! But, to those of you still with me, let me say "Thanks!". Now, let's catch up...

Well, I attended the Orphan Alliance Summit in Dallas with Terry. IT CHANGED MY LIFE! I had some very God-ordained meetings (which I PROMISE to share with you in the coming weeks), heard some things I needed to hear to get me moving in the right direction for His plans for our lives, had a BLAST getting to know Terry and realized there is MUCH left to do! We had been thinking and praying about going to Guatemala with Across All Borders during Spring Break next year, but after attending the summit, both Jeff and I feel that we need to go in June. So, our family is going to Guatemala! We are beyond excited!

I am a little nervous, though. You see, our adoption was very scary and hard and I did NOT enjoy the emotional roller coaster we were put on by our attorney. The only place we went in Guatemala, was the orphanage to get Isabella and our hotel. We did not go to Antigua like most traveling families during pickup. We figured that since our attorney had kicked in the glass at PGN after being detained during an abandonment inquiry and having it air on YouTube just a few weeks prior, as well as PGN attempting to stop our adoption by listing our names in the Prense Libre that Labor Day, it might be a good idea to stay low-key in our little hotel in Guatemala City! I will admit, since I have never done so before, that I did not fall in love with the country of Guatemala, nor with the people. The only people I feel in love with was my daughter, her care givers at the orphanage and her birth mother. The only people I really had contact with was my attorney. I DID NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HER!!!! So, needless to say, I was bitter for a while and vowed to never step foot in Guatemala again.

Now, before some of you begin typing me a nice little comment telling me how horrible I am, just listen and let me try to explain myself. I will admit that was a very childish and ridiculous thing to feel and way to handle it. But, if we are being truthful (and I am), we can all say that at some point in our lives, we handle things this way. Then, after time, we realize it and some may even admit it!;) I also should have learned to never say never... that is when God teaches you a lesson about HIS plans! God used the country of Guatemala to give me one of the greatest blessings in my life and I had to work through my bitterness and anger toward Susana in order to see what His plans for my family include. I AM THERE now. With all of that being said, we are now going back for our first mission trip as a family and can't wait to see what is in store for us there and how the Lord will use us to minister to the children in Guatemala.

We are in our last week of school this week. Today is our last full day and the rest of the week are half days, out at noon. I am changing jobs next year and have to move my things out of my classroom. Jake has 2 more baseball games this season and we leave for the beach Friday after we get out of school. We will have a week-long relaxation by the pool with family and friends and then back home to begin potty training and packing for Guatemala! I will bring my computer with me and plan to share some exciting stories of how God seems to be lining things up for us to move into his CALL on our lives.

I PROMISE TO KEEP UP WITH THIS BLOG FOR THE SUMMER!!! (really... I do! I'll even post pictures!)

Part I

I feel something bubbling up on the inside of me. It has actually been simmering all my life (since I was 12). At times, it is a simmer and at times it is close to bubbling over. The problem is that I have never allowed it to- to bubble over, that is. I have always seemed to keep it in check. Either out of fear or just plain laziness.



Let me start by back- tracking. I became a Christian at the age of 12 and always knew that my calling involved children. I knew that I would be an elementary teacher and I knew that whatever else I did would involve children. I don't remember the age I was when I decided that I wanted to adopt. I do, however, remember sitting in my church service one Sunday night in the mid- 90's when the African Children's Choir was visiting. I sat in that service with tears streaming down my face. I left that service with tears streaming down my face and cried for a while into the night. I decided at that time that I wanted to one day be in another country living (not just visiting) with the orphans of the world. Loving them as MY children.



Many of you know that Jeff and I went through 6 years of infertility. Adoption was always our first choice, but I am VERY hard headed and let the cost of it get in the way. I would always tell people that I would rather adopt to grow our family, but I could not afford to adopt... that was for "rich" people. I was limiting God and planning it all out for myself. I am a planner. REALLY. I . Am. God let me struggle and strive, but eventually we found His way and Isabella joined our family.



I am guilty of allowing the cares of this world, along with MY desire for things and such, to cloud God's plan for my life. Lately, I have been feeling like I am just missing "it", but felt so far-gone that I could not get on course again. I felt like my prayers were hitting a brick wall. You see, I struggle with the concept of 'grace'. I am a perfectionist and seem to require it of my self and others. This can be catastrophic to one's Christian walk. Defeat is inevitable for someone like me who will not rest in His grace.



Two weeks ago, I was reading blogs on my break at school. I left to go make a copy and when I returned, my computer screen was not on the blog that I had left it on. I have never read the blog that was on the screen! I scrolled down and saw a post talking about a book the writer was reading. It was called Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. My heart started to pound as I read about it. I immediately clicked on the book link to find out more about it. I knew I HAD to buy this book. I called Life Way Christian Bookstore to see if they had it and they did. I planned to stop after school, but when the time came, I was too tired and traffic was heavy. I just went home. I was up ALL night long that night, tossing and turning, hearing the words I read on the books website. God wanted me to buy that book and I knew if I didn't, I would be in direct disobedience to Him. I bought the book the next day!



Crazy Love is changing my life! The Lord has used it to rock me to my very core. It is turning me upside down! I have been a Christian since the age of 12 and I am now realizing that I have never fully served and loved Him as I should. Everything looks different, feels different and is different. I HIGHLY recommend you read this, but be warned that you will be faced with some major decisions about yourself and your walk with God. I have not made it through the book. I am an avid reader and can finish books in no time, but this one is different. I am having to slowly digest it and allow God's word to infiltrate every fiber of my being. It has not been comfortable, but it has been necessary. This "stumbling" onto this stranger's blog has set me on a course-- one that is prepared by God for my life!



Before, we began the adoption process, God gave my husband a dream. In it, he stood at an altar and Jesus approached him and told him "GO". Jeff asked "Where?" Again, Jesus said "Go". Jeff, again said "Where?" Jesus replied, "I have something for you, Amanda, Jake and Isabella to do." Jeff, of course, asked "Who is Isabella?" to which Jesus told him "It is the daughter am going to give to you. Now, GO!" Jeff waited a while to share this with me. In fact, he didn't share it with me until we were already involved in the adoption process. You see, at the time, we were trying to have another child and my endometriosis was getting worse. It looked like a hysterectomy was inevitable and he did not think the timing would be right to share that dream with a VERY emotional woman that was unable to have the one thing she desired most in this world. He was right. I would not have received it!

When we started our adoption process and Jeff shared this with me, we were both very excited! We felt that our adoption and Bella joining our family was going to be what God used to launch us into the ministry He has for us. Along the way, things got very rough for us with the adoption and we allowed the weight of it to overtake us. By the time Bella came home, we were so emotionally, physically, and spiritually worn out that we have just become stagnate. I KNOW that God led me to the book Crazy Love for a purpose. I believe that He is beginning to stir up my spirit, light a fire and passion in my heart, and turn our lives upside down!

I hope I have expressed what I wanted to without confusion. It is all jumbled up inside, but I HAD to get it out or I felt as though I would explode. SO much more needs to come out and I will be sharing much more in the next few days. Check back with me soon... Part 2 to follow...

Things that make you go, "AWWWW"...

"I love you, Isabella!"

"I wuv you toooo, Mommy!" She started saying this this week. Her speech is becoming more clear and her sentences are getting longer. She is starting to tell stories and sing songs. She is such a blessing to us! All those months of pain and heartache and longing just melt away when I hear this!


We went to the IHRA races yesterday afternoon with Jake. My camera was dead!!!! My mom kept Bella for us. It was nice to spend some time with my little man. He made sure I was comfortable all afternoon. He would not take a pair of earphones from Jeff until he knew I had some, he wouldn't sit down in the only chair available until he asked me if I wanted it. They had a few floats go by on the side track that threw beads (it was the Mardi Gras nationals), and he made sure I caught enough and then offered me his best-looking beads. It was the SWEETEST thing to experience. This is the last year his age will be single digits! He will be 10 years old in Sept. and it has been such a blessing to witness him turning into such a young man. All those years of wondering if I was doing and teaching the right things and if he was listening and learning were answered yesterday. He is such a great kid and I am enjoying watching him grow into the man God is molding him to become. I am so privileged to be called Mom!


Have a good week!

I WON, I WON, I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My friend, Tricia at http://thejoysofmommy.blogspot.com/ gave me a Blogging Award. It is called the Lovey award. Here is the reason I was nominated and won:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find friends and be friends.They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships will be propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly- written text into the body of their award."

1. The Pineapple Princess http://adoptbellagrace.blogspot.com/

2. Jami http://livelaughlove5.blogspot.com/

3. Gwen http://oatsvallteam.blogspot.com/

4. Holly http://faceforgrace.blogspot.com/

5. Kelli http://averirosesanchez.blogspot.com/

6. Angel http://thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com/

7. Kimmie http://overthemoonwithjoy.blogspot.com/

8. Susie http://ferrickfamilypromise.blogspot.com/

While, I don't consider myself worthy of this award, I am thankful that it has been bestowed on me. I need to blog more often. We have a busy weekend planned and I can't wait to share it with you!

Thanks, Tricia, for this award. You inspire me to be a better blogger and to give my all in all that I do!

WELCOME!!!

Glad you decided to join us over here! I am excited about this. I feel like I am refreshed and ready! I originally started blogging during our adoption. I really enjoyed it. Ever since Bella came home, I have struggled to keep up with it. For some reason, it just reminded me of that difficult time of waiting. Now, I am ready to just 'be' me.

I decided on the name of this blog, because I feel like the things I deal with in life are a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I am learning which things I need to keep and which things I need to let go. Letting go is a HARD thing for me to do. I am a Type A personality, a little (or alot, depending who you ask) OCD. That spells a PERFECTIONIST!! I am learning that it can be a good trait, if used in moderation and at the right time! NOT AN EASY THING FOR ME TO DO! I am really an "all or nothing, black and white" kind of gal. Thankfully, God knew this and paired me with a man that IS NOT!! We just complete each other and that still amazes me! God is really changing my heart and tilling up the ground. I have discovered some not-so-pretty things, but am ready to deal with them. He is also showing me where grace fits into my life. I am thankful for the season I am entering and looking forward to seeing myself on the other side!

I am still trying to set up all of my gadgets and blog lists. I just wanted to welcome you. Stay tuned... I was given a blog award last week and am trying to get the award transferred to here. My friend did not know I was setting up a new blog and I need to find out how all of that works. By the way, I installed the blogging template for my blog. Those of you that know me, are AMAZED! I am a complete novice at this technology stuff!!! I found a free template at http://www.leeloublogs.blogspot.com/ They have some really cute templates and the give the step-by-step instructions for using them. Trust me, if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! See ya...