Intimacy

"Intimate refers generally to the innermost nature or fundamental character of something. Intimacy refers to a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other." (wikipedia) This is what my Saviour is calling me into.... intimacy with Him. I laid awake for over an hour last night with this one word piercing my mind, heart and soul. I have been serving Him since I was 13 years old. At times with my whole being and at times barely getting by. The truth is that during the 'barely-getting-by time', I wasn't really doing any good to Him or myself. Now, I am about to get real honest here. I hesitate, but know that I have to in order to turn the corner, so to speak.

I am not a "grace" person by nature. Grace is hard for me to accept. I tend to be hard on myself and harder on others. Perfection is my enemy. I need to have it 'all together' in my mind to begin a task. No matter what that task may be, I struggle with it. I don't risk things because I am not a risk taker. Perfectionists often aren't. So, with Christianity being about God's unconditional love and His grace, you can imagine (and maybe experience) how that is hard on my relationship (since perfection is not attainable during this life-time!).

I don't know about you, but our lives are hectic and BUSY around this household. It is really easy for Jeff and I to become disconnected. I often tell him that during these times, I feel like we are just roommates and that we manage to survive because we truly are best friends. We work well together. While this is a good thing, it can also become our greatest enemy. By that, I mean, that we get into this groove of life happening and tend to forget to stop and just connect on a level other than "business as usual". Does anyone reading this understand?? I get so frustrated and want the merry-go-round of life to just stop and let me off. I need connection with my husband. If I need that connection with my husband, how much more do I need it with my Saviour, Friend, Lord... my very reason for living?

At the times that Jeff and I get to this CRAZY point in life (work, baseball, church, friends, bills, housework, etc. ), I often will find myself saying that I don't just want to love him, I want to be in love again. Not that I have fallen out of love with him, its just that I long for those first days of love. You know what I am talking about. The times when just hearing his voice brings flutters to your stomach. The excitement you feel when his car drives into the driveway at the end of the day. That is when we have to STOP and regroup. We have to slow down 'life' and reconnect.

When God created Adam, He did it for companionship. He wanted to have a relationship with him. Truth be told, He doesn't need us. He CHOSE us. Each of us. He just wants a relationship with us. How would I feel if my children never wanted to spend time with me? If all they wanted was food, and clothes, and toys. It would crush me. Some of my favorite times are when they crawl up in my lap and just want to be with me. Or when they are playing and see me and stop long enough to just hug, kiss or smile at me. THAT makes my day. Yet, I do that to God all the time. I let life happen so much to me, that I just check in every now and then. I have to go deeper again. I used to be there, but I allowed the cares of this world to infiltrate my life to the point that I have lost some realtionship with Him. The only way to have knowlege of or experience the other person in a relationship is to spend time with them. I am ready to go there, Lord.

That is where I am finding myself these days. Wanting... longing... needing.... desperately needing and longing and wanting to fall in love with my God again. So much baggage has begun to accumulate, that I just want to simplify, stop and just fall at His feet and get reacquainted, if you will. He is calling me. He is wooing me. He is waiting for me to show up. I am ready!!! I am so ready that at times it is overwhelming. I truly feel that this summer will be a time of new beginnings for me (and my family), but mostly for me to return to my First Love. My spirit is bubbling and I am excited to see who I am in Him when I emerge on the other side of this journey He is calling me to begin.....

We're back!!

I know I was supposed to post from the beach, but we did not have a good connection. We ended up coming home early because 3 out of 4 of us were sick! Bella, Jake and I went to the doctor today and loaded up on medicine. Hopefully we will be better soon and my voice will come back, too!

We had fun, but it was different this year than others. You see, we are going to Guatemala with AAB in 3 weeks and that seems to be all any of us can think about. Nothing else seems to be able to pale in comparison with it. Everything else seems trivial. I feel a passion welling up inside that cannot be put into words. Am I nervous? YEP! I don't like flying and I am nervous about being in Guatemala with it not being for our adoption. Am I excited? BEYOND Excited! I KNOW we are supposed to be there at this exact time! I will share more about this later, but canNOT wait to see what God has in store! Bella needed a passport and I let mine expire (remember, I had no intentions of ever going back, so why did I need a passport?!;)) It usually takes 2-3 weeks for an expedited one (which we did for both) and ours took 1 week! God has given me so many confirmations about us going-- it truly is amazing. AND all of our original adoption documents we had to send along with her application, came back, too. We were a bit nervous about it.

I will post pictures of out trip to Florida this weekend. Isabella had a great time swimming. She actually used her arm floaties and jumped in without any help. She was swimming around the pool like a little fish. Jake had a great time and didn't want to leave early. He went fishing with his daddy and caught a fish!

The most exciting thing, though, is I am officially off of school for the summer and get to spend it with my amazing children and THAT, my friends, makes me so happy!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah for summer vacation!!!!!!!!!

Has it really been that long...

Has it? I should have known better than to actually think I would be a dedicated blogger during the start of baseball season and ending of a school year! My intentions were good, but I failed miserably with my actions. I hope I still have readers. I must say... I don't think I would even be checking this blog because of the infrequency of its author! But, to those of you still with me, let me say "Thanks!". Now, let's catch up...

Well, I attended the Orphan Alliance Summit in Dallas with Terry. IT CHANGED MY LIFE! I had some very God-ordained meetings (which I PROMISE to share with you in the coming weeks), heard some things I needed to hear to get me moving in the right direction for His plans for our lives, had a BLAST getting to know Terry and realized there is MUCH left to do! We had been thinking and praying about going to Guatemala with Across All Borders during Spring Break next year, but after attending the summit, both Jeff and I feel that we need to go in June. So, our family is going to Guatemala! We are beyond excited!

I am a little nervous, though. You see, our adoption was very scary and hard and I did NOT enjoy the emotional roller coaster we were put on by our attorney. The only place we went in Guatemala, was the orphanage to get Isabella and our hotel. We did not go to Antigua like most traveling families during pickup. We figured that since our attorney had kicked in the glass at PGN after being detained during an abandonment inquiry and having it air on YouTube just a few weeks prior, as well as PGN attempting to stop our adoption by listing our names in the Prense Libre that Labor Day, it might be a good idea to stay low-key in our little hotel in Guatemala City! I will admit, since I have never done so before, that I did not fall in love with the country of Guatemala, nor with the people. The only people I feel in love with was my daughter, her care givers at the orphanage and her birth mother. The only people I really had contact with was my attorney. I DID NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HER!!!! So, needless to say, I was bitter for a while and vowed to never step foot in Guatemala again.

Now, before some of you begin typing me a nice little comment telling me how horrible I am, just listen and let me try to explain myself. I will admit that was a very childish and ridiculous thing to feel and way to handle it. But, if we are being truthful (and I am), we can all say that at some point in our lives, we handle things this way. Then, after time, we realize it and some may even admit it!;) I also should have learned to never say never... that is when God teaches you a lesson about HIS plans! God used the country of Guatemala to give me one of the greatest blessings in my life and I had to work through my bitterness and anger toward Susana in order to see what His plans for my family include. I AM THERE now. With all of that being said, we are now going back for our first mission trip as a family and can't wait to see what is in store for us there and how the Lord will use us to minister to the children in Guatemala.

We are in our last week of school this week. Today is our last full day and the rest of the week are half days, out at noon. I am changing jobs next year and have to move my things out of my classroom. Jake has 2 more baseball games this season and we leave for the beach Friday after we get out of school. We will have a week-long relaxation by the pool with family and friends and then back home to begin potty training and packing for Guatemala! I will bring my computer with me and plan to share some exciting stories of how God seems to be lining things up for us to move into his CALL on our lives.

I PROMISE TO KEEP UP WITH THIS BLOG FOR THE SUMMER!!! (really... I do! I'll even post pictures!)