Intimacy

"Intimate refers generally to the innermost nature or fundamental character of something. Intimacy refers to a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other." (wikipedia) This is what my Saviour is calling me into.... intimacy with Him. I laid awake for over an hour last night with this one word piercing my mind, heart and soul. I have been serving Him since I was 13 years old. At times with my whole being and at times barely getting by. The truth is that during the 'barely-getting-by time', I wasn't really doing any good to Him or myself. Now, I am about to get real honest here. I hesitate, but know that I have to in order to turn the corner, so to speak.

I am not a "grace" person by nature. Grace is hard for me to accept. I tend to be hard on myself and harder on others. Perfection is my enemy. I need to have it 'all together' in my mind to begin a task. No matter what that task may be, I struggle with it. I don't risk things because I am not a risk taker. Perfectionists often aren't. So, with Christianity being about God's unconditional love and His grace, you can imagine (and maybe experience) how that is hard on my relationship (since perfection is not attainable during this life-time!).

I don't know about you, but our lives are hectic and BUSY around this household. It is really easy for Jeff and I to become disconnected. I often tell him that during these times, I feel like we are just roommates and that we manage to survive because we truly are best friends. We work well together. While this is a good thing, it can also become our greatest enemy. By that, I mean, that we get into this groove of life happening and tend to forget to stop and just connect on a level other than "business as usual". Does anyone reading this understand?? I get so frustrated and want the merry-go-round of life to just stop and let me off. I need connection with my husband. If I need that connection with my husband, how much more do I need it with my Saviour, Friend, Lord... my very reason for living?

At the times that Jeff and I get to this CRAZY point in life (work, baseball, church, friends, bills, housework, etc. ), I often will find myself saying that I don't just want to love him, I want to be in love again. Not that I have fallen out of love with him, its just that I long for those first days of love. You know what I am talking about. The times when just hearing his voice brings flutters to your stomach. The excitement you feel when his car drives into the driveway at the end of the day. That is when we have to STOP and regroup. We have to slow down 'life' and reconnect.

When God created Adam, He did it for companionship. He wanted to have a relationship with him. Truth be told, He doesn't need us. He CHOSE us. Each of us. He just wants a relationship with us. How would I feel if my children never wanted to spend time with me? If all they wanted was food, and clothes, and toys. It would crush me. Some of my favorite times are when they crawl up in my lap and just want to be with me. Or when they are playing and see me and stop long enough to just hug, kiss or smile at me. THAT makes my day. Yet, I do that to God all the time. I let life happen so much to me, that I just check in every now and then. I have to go deeper again. I used to be there, but I allowed the cares of this world to infiltrate my life to the point that I have lost some realtionship with Him. The only way to have knowlege of or experience the other person in a relationship is to spend time with them. I am ready to go there, Lord.

That is where I am finding myself these days. Wanting... longing... needing.... desperately needing and longing and wanting to fall in love with my God again. So much baggage has begun to accumulate, that I just want to simplify, stop and just fall at His feet and get reacquainted, if you will. He is calling me. He is wooing me. He is waiting for me to show up. I am ready!!! I am so ready that at times it is overwhelming. I truly feel that this summer will be a time of new beginnings for me (and my family), but mostly for me to return to my First Love. My spirit is bubbling and I am excited to see who I am in Him when I emerge on the other side of this journey He is calling me to begin.....